I turned forty-five years old this past week.  This website saw its second birthday, though I’ve been coaching as the main focus of my business life for three years now.  There is something super celebratory in using my own birth-date as the beginning point.  It’s like having my very own fiscal year.

My first post here in the blog was about five lessons I learned on my journey from 42 to 43.  Last year, I shared 20 Pearls of Wisdom learned on the road from 43 to 44. This year I wanted to share 45 Lessons in honor of my 45th birthday.

Though these are lessons I know to be real truths for living a fully engaged life, sometimes, I have to relearn them.  And, there are some lessons I find more challenging than others.

When 2010 began, I believed it would end up being my worst year ever: my personal life was in shambles, work was stressful, and my mom had been diagnosed with cancer.  Even though I had a several-years-old practice of choosing a word of the year as my focus, with all of the stress in my life, and everything else going on that winter, I couldn’t settle on anything that felt right.

By the time late March rolled around, I felt completely adrift, and was still wordless. One night, after sobbing to one of my closest friends, she lovingly (and firmly) reminded me that every day is an opportunity to start over.

At that point I decided that my new year would begin on April 1^st. I chose the word “faith” as my focus. At every challenge that surfaced, I reminded myself that my theme for the year was faith – that I was going to have faith in myself and faith that everything would work out.

2010 may have begun as my most challenging year ever, but it turned out to be an amazing and transformative time in my life. I lost my mom, but I also fell in love and began a life with a man who far surpasses anything I could have dreamed.

It was the year I began falling in love with my life.

So often, people complain that their New Year’s resolutions and big goals rarely make it beyond February.   It’s easy to listen to that inner critic when this happens.

What I’ve learned is that sometimes, our lives flow differently from the calendar. We are fast approaching the mid-point of the year, which is a spectacular time to re-assess, re-examine, and re-dedicate your goals and focus. Cut yourself some slack, darling!

You can choose to develop the most amazing year of your life beginning NOW.

And, once you re-fresh yourself and set your sight on some new (or refined) goals, here are some of my own personal tips and tricks to allow your life to develop the way you desire

One: Begin Fresh

Every day is an opportunity to begin fresh.  You can adjust your focus, change your words of the year, get back on path, and rededicate yourself to your desires any day. You can choose to begin your year today.

Two: Put the Whip Down

When you are giving yourself a fresh start, or simply reviewing your progress, it can be easy to get distracted to the voice of your inner critic.  It’s impossible for love and courage to occupy the same space as fear and castigation, so put the whip down and stop beating yourself up!

I know that the reality of life can sometimes make your dreams seem like the impossible dream, but baby, let me tell you, that just isn’t true!

Three: Give Yourself Permission

Give yourself permission to not be perfect.  Those imperfections that you perceive as flaws are what make you, well, so wonderfully you. Remember that you are allowed to change the plans and the rules you set for your life.

It’s your life, and nothing is written in stone.

Four: Meditate

One of the most proactive things you can do to stay on track is to go within. Creating a meditation or prayer practice is the perfect way to listen to – or rediscover – your inner voice.

Your true inner voice is wisdom.

Five: Eliminate Clutter

Clutter distracts you from living your best.  Everything your world has energy, and that includes everything in your home. Clear that pile of magazines off the coffee table, remove all the clothes in your closet that you don’t love, and get rid of all the knick knacks that are gathering dust.

If you don’t love it, chunk it.

Six: Stop Being So Busy

The more “to dos” you try to squeeze into your day the less you actually get done.  Give yourself plenty of white space so that you can breathe. If nothing else, eliminate just one thing from your to do list that you don’t delight in.

Busy, my dear, doesn’t equal worth.  Don’t buy into the glorification of “busy” as a badge of honor.

Seven: Nourish Your Goals with Routines

Don’t underestimate how supportive nourishing routines can be.  While they may seem restrictive, routines are actually about freedom.  Routines help you manage your energy effectively so that you can channel it towards your real desires and purpose.

Review your daily routines and adjust them to nourish and support your goals.

Eight: Begin a Weekly Meeting With Yourself

One of the best tools I know to stay on track with your goals is to regularly review them.  If you institute a weekly personal review you’ll discover that you stay on top of projects and assignments.  It also will provide you a structure to stay on track for those goals!

A weekly review allows you to really sharpen your intuitive focus so that the things that really matter to you don’t fall away in the day-to-day living of life.

Nine: Add Good Food

Take a few moments to plan your meals so that you aren’t tempted to eat drive-through meals.  Instead of eating, dine. Sit at a table with plates and real silverware.

You cannot thrive if you fuel your body with high-fat, high-sodium foods.

Ten: Don’t Forget to Hydrate

Dehydration can cause us to lose focus, eat when we aren’t hungry, and feel sluggish.  When in doubt, drink more water.

Eleven: Choose Rest

What if you listened to your body and just went to bed when you were tired? In the fast-paced lives that we live, we often forgo sleep in an attempt to get caught up. The fact of the matter is adults need between six and nine hours of sleep a night.

Put your iPhone away, turn off the TV, and just go to bed. Instead of listening to your mind, you need to listen to your body. That’s tuning into your inner wisdom.

Twelve: Release Your Inner Child

When you are feeling overwhelmed or uninspired, release your inner child and play around. Jump rope, grab some crayons and draw a picture, play backgammon with your partner or crank up the music and dance around the house.

When you don’t include regular non-work play in your world, it’s bad for your well-being, and can actually lead to stress, fatigue, and depression.

If you’d asked me, back at the beginning of 2010, what my future would hold, the response I would have given you would have been bleak. By choosing to start over in April of that year, my life changed.

I’m living proof that you can choose to begin fresh at any time of year.  Darling, it is never too late to create a life you love.

There is a sweet beauty to serendipity. We meet a new lover by chance.  We cross paths with an old friend. We find the perfect dress for that upcoming event. We wander into a nifty coffee shop and discover the perfect writing environment.

The spirit of serendipity has brought me to some of the best moments in my life.

Life is like this amazing road trip: there are all kinds of fascinating and fabulous places to stop along the way.

I never would have experience the wonders of my gypsy years with it.  And, in fact, I never would have met JB if it weren’t for a serendipitous moment in DC.

But let me tell you something, darling.

If you want to create a life you love on this road trip of life, you can’t rely only on serendipity, you need a road map for your soul.

You need a vision.  And a plan.

Let’s be honest here. Most of us (including me in the past!) simply exist. We become passive spectators, watching life unfold a day at a time.

We may plan a vacation, the building of a new home or their careers, but don’t think about creating a vision or plan for life.   We put more effort into a wedding than we put into the actual living of a blended life.

We tell ourselves that if we create a plan, we’ll miss out on the serendipity.

I get it. And though I hate the word “balance” when it comes to our soul’s purpose, there is this beautiful space of greater satisfaction that can be achieved with just a little forethought.  This happens when you create a vision for your life, a plan to achieve your most important dreams, and allow for adventure.

Darling, life is short.  And you deserve to be squeezing every drop of living out of it.

I wish I could tell you the number of people that find themselves disillusioned, discouraged and unhappy.  They get into their late 30’s, 40’s, or even 70’s and wonder what went wrong.  Their career feels stalled, their marriage feels broken, or maybe their health is failing.

It’s a point where a person may wonder, “what the hell am I doing here?  I thought that I would be there.”

But here’s the real deal:  it doesn’t have to be this way.  You can choose, no matter how young or old you are, to create a vision for your life and a plan to reach your dreams.

Still not sure about this whole concept of creating a Vision and a Plan for your life?  Here are six delicious reasons to consider it.

Creating a vision will help you identify your current realities.

You can’t get where you want to go unless you start with where you are. What are the most brutal realities of your life? Where are you falling short? Where do you know you need to improve?  Taking stock and making peace with who we are has to be the starting ground.

Creating a vision will equip you with envisioning a better future.

Yes, you need to need to acknowledge where you are, but you also need to see clearly where you are going. What do you want in each of the major categories of your life? What would they look like in their ideal state?

This is where it starts to get fun!  You. Creating a big juicy vision for your life.

Taking your vision and creating a life plan gives you a place to aim the arrow.

Then comes your life plan.  This isn’t about a set-in-stone list of steps and to-do’s.  It doesn’t have to be complicated.

No, darling, this is a road map for accomplishing what matters most.   It’s about knowing where you are, setting your destination and plotting your course to get there.  Darling, to achieve your dreams, you need to take action.  And a life plan gives you the fuel to be bolder.

Creating a vision will help you clarify your most important priorities.

Identifying your priorities and values helps you mark the milestones on your course.  Your boss has priorities for you.  You were always given objectives in school and college.  But what about you? Do you have a list? What is important to you?

Creating a vision will help you say “no” to things that aren’t important.

Once you have said “yes” to what matters most, you are in a great position to say “no” to those activities that matter less. Suddenly you have the clarity—and the courage—to manage your opportunities rather than to be managed by them.

A vision and a plan is like road side assistance. 

You want to enjoy this road trip of life.  And you certainly can’t control everything.  There are going to be bumps and detours and road construction along the way.  But creating a vision and a plan gives you the insurance of help as you travel.  Your vision will dramatically improve your chances of arriving at your  destination feeling joyful, content, and satisfied.

It will be clear to you that you really lived.

Clearing Soul Clutter – Creating Your Vision begins May 12^th.  If you are ready to create your soul’s road map, it may be your ticket. Are you ready to create a life you love?

By the time you read this, I will be three days into a week-long digital sabbatical (it ends on May 5th).  If things are going as planned, the only posts you will see scattered across my social media spaces will be ones that have been pre-arranged, pre-planned, and pre-staged, with the exception of the occasional Instagram photos of cups of coffee, the golf course, or a particularly beautiful cocktail.

As I’m writing this a few days before my sabbatical is scheduled to begin, I’m feeling a touch anxious.

Now, I’m a big fan of allowing yourself to feel, but sometimes it’s a challenge to access the feeling you’re seeking if you haven’t experienced in ages.

A recent notice from my local library, though, made me realize that maybe I should have included another R in the mix of my focus this year: Relaxed.

Rested and I are intimate friends.  Playful and I are tight.  I’m also intimately acquainted with immersed, creative, fulfilled, loved, and passionate.

But relaxed? Darling, it’s been ages.

So, I’m going to unplug for a week and see if I can remember what it feels like to feel relaxed.

So, what’s the library have to do with all this? I had checked out a book by a favorite author – the latest book in a series I’ve been reading for a decade and three weeks later, I hadn’t even cracked it open.  My typical consumption of fiction is usually a book (or more) a week, but the last three books I’ve read were all work related.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my work.  I adore my clients. I love reading books for work.  But, baby, I’ve devoured fiction for as long as I could read, and this year, I just haven’t been reading enough romantic fluff (or spy novels).

And for me, this is a signal that I am off-plan.

Though I love the beauty of serendipity and believe it has a huge place in our lives, I also believe that in order to create big things in your life, you need a vision – and a loose plan.

Visions are an overhead view of the pieces that create a life you love.

When I look at my big juicy vision, it includes work that lights up my soul, excellent meals created with my own two hands, passionate kisses, glasses of wine under the moonlight, and a ravenous consumption of all things prose in cozy chairs and poolside.

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m also a realist.

In order to make my vision come to fruition, it’s going two more things:  a plan and taking action.  You need a plan because without a target to aim at, it’s throwing spaghetti on the wall.   And darling, if you think you can make a vision a reality without taking action, you’ll be stuck in the “dreamer” space.

Part of being a realist is understanding that sometimes  I’m going to get dirt under my fingernails. You have to be willing to do the work. Sometimes, you have to know when to ease up on yourself.  And sometimes, darling, you have to shake things up when a big chunk of your vision is missing.

For me, unplugging is mixing it up.  It’s changing the day-to-day rhythm of being electronically connected with folks near and far. To force the pendulum to swing in another direction (or else stop and reset).

At the end of the week, I’ll have an idea if it’s my vision that needs adjustment, my plan that needs tweaking, or if all I needed was a big dose of relaxation (and a stack of novels).

What about you?  Do you have a vision?  Are you living life by the seat of your pants?  Or are you holding so tightly to a plan of how things are “supposed” to look, that you’re about to snap that plan in half?

Clearing Soul Clutter – Creating Your Vision begins May 12^th.  If you’re seeking some clarity around what you desire for that overhead view of your life, it may be your ticket.

So, ‘fess up:  do you have a life plan? What clues you in to the fact that you might be off path? How do you shake things up?

In the not-so-distant past, I believed that in order to be loved and to belong in my social world, I needed to twist and contort myself into what people expected me to be. I wore the right clothes (ones that were seasonal and neutral).  I drove the right car in the 90′s (a 4-Door Oldsmobile like my mother drove).  I did the right things (like serve as Vice President of the PTA).

I believed that I had to abide by the rules of polite society, and in my world that meant never leaving the house without make-up, never wearing white shoes after Labor Day, and always making others believe that life behind closed doors was perfect.  I went to the gym, wore pantyhose to church, and brutally forced my hair into submission.

When I came into this world, I was a big ball of energy and creativity.

At an early age, I learned that I shouldn’t be too loud or too large a presence. Creativity should be expressed through reading, not writing.

If I were to survive, I needed to follow the rules.

While I won’t bore you with true tales of real life behind the white picket fence, I was dying inside. I had lost my faith and my intuition, and my creativity was languishing. I lived in fear and with the belief that I didn’t deserve more.  That I was only valuable if I stuck to the “party line.”  That I should be satisfied with my lot in life. That I should settle for what I had.

And deep down, I believed that I would never have enough – enough love, enough money, enough of a sense of belonging to any family or group.

And I was fucking exhausted trying to keep up the pretense of perfection.

When my ex threatened my “bad behavior” with a divorce, I realized that I had had enough rules and enough pretending and enough threats, and I agreed. I was frightened as hell, but it was the first real leap of faith that I took, and my life began to change.

And then I began breaking the rules.  I needed to rebel.  I needed to step outside the lines.  I needed to allow the core of who I was – big and bold and bright – to see the light of day.

I learned that the more you step aside the lines of your own rules, then the bigger your world could get. I also learned that if I stepped too far out of my rules, I could always retreat back a bit.  There is no sin in two steps forward, one step back.

I learned that sometimes, you have to try something you don’t think you’ll like. Because maybe you will.

I also learned that as ironic as it seems, the more we try to force ourselves to be different from who we really are so that people will love and accept us, the further we move away from that deep sense of being loved and belonging. 

Recently I interviewed Jeni Britton Bauer (founder of Jeni’s splendid Ice Cream) for All Things Girls and I loved this quote:

“I never felt that the rules were there to hold me back, but to support me. So, I felt that they were optional.” — Jeni Britton Bauer

I loved that dash of wisdom.

If the rules are holding you back from being the sexiest, shiniest, most amazing version of who you are, then maybe they’re optional.

In my case, I discovered that most of the rules were optional.  I’m the adult.  I get to decide which rules work for me and which ones are optional.  I’ll admit that some of those old rules have stuck around (white shoes, pantyhose), but the rules that are here are the ones that I know I can toss out the window or choose to keep.

I’m the boss of me.  And darling you are the boss of you.

Darling, the rules of society are not always set in stone, but guidelines.  There are ones that are there for protection, of course.  And I’m a big fan of kindness and thank you’s and not gossiping.

While I’m not suggesting you set out to break the law, I am going to encourage you to let your inner rebel have her say.

Determine which rules are optional. Lovingly embrace the rules you want to keep. Toss the whole rule book out the window if you so choose.

The real you, that core of soul that has been with you from the moment you were born into this world is begging you to toss off the shackles that bind you and be you.

Breaking the rules and re-writing the ones that guide your daily life may be uncomfortable, but it’s like walking through fire: necessary.

Breaking the rules I was raised on hasn’t always been easy. It doesn’t mean I haven’t made mistakes.  It’s angered people that I love for daring to be bold or different.

But darling, it was critical to me finding this path.  This zest for living.  This daily life that I am so in love with.

Break the rules.  Write your own rule book that sings to you. Give yourself permission to be the you that was meant to be.  Tell me darling, what rules in your world are optional?  Are you ready to break ‘em?

When I was a little girl, I was taught to never play with fire. But what if I told you that I made the biggest leaps in my life by making the decision to walk through fire?

Though I’ve talked about the demise of my marriage and how much I love my day-to-day life, I haven’t shared much about the time between then and now.

After my divorce, I dated. A lot. Though some guys came and went, one of them stuck around for six years of on-again-off-again romance.

To be honest, I used this relationship as an excuse – a way to really allow myself to not get too close to a man emotionally.  I loved him. He loved me. But both of us had been burned by the fire of soul-love and played this fire dance – getting close and backing away when it got too hot.

Around the time my mother was diagnosed with cancer, the on-again-off-again nature of the romance had become just too exhausting (that’s what I told myself) and I made the decision that I was “done with relationships”.

And while it was true that the sizzling-hot-sizzling-out nature of the romance was exhausting, the deeper truth was that I had finally realized that I held more value than to be the on-again-off-again girl.

I threw myself into work and travel as a way to escape feeling. I had always been good at numbing, and though I had learned a bit about the art of feeling, I threw all of that learning aside and proclaimed that Busy WAS the New Black.

And, baby, let me tell you, I was a pro at compartmentalizing. I could bring logic into any situation. I could separate sex from love. I could meticulously remove any feelings of grief by living out of a suitcase.

And then I met JB.

What began as someone to just “have fun with” and “have dinner with” when I was in DC for work, transformed into something unexpected. Feelings surfaced. I can still clearly recall sitting on the bed in his guest room in DC, texting a girlfriend about how frightened I was: How dare my heart betray me and begin to have feelings beyond fondness!

But, of course, being a logical creature, I avoided the flames so I could be safe, and pushed those feelings away.

If I challenged my beliefs (I didn’t desire a real relationship, I didn’t deserve love, I was unlovable, I was done with men, etc.) I would run the risk of having to grieve any potential losses. I wanted to play it safe, but what I really desired (love, a companion, a partner) was on the other side of the fire.

I avoided any serious conversations with him for months, and then we had this amazing weekend together.

By all logic, I shouldn’t have time for feelings. In a 6 week time period, I had been to New York, Philadelphia, Chicago and DC three times. My mother had died, my oldest daughter had gone through a crisis, and I was battling all my demons by spending as much time as I could by traveling for work non-stop.

Yet, here we were at Mount Vernon,  and I can still recall standing under the hot sun as sweat dripped down my spine yet I was shivering at his touch on my arm and his breath on my neck as he whispered in my ear. And the following evening, at the Point of View lounge, overlooking the White House and the Washington Monument, we finally had a conversation, not about the logistics of our dating but about love and faith and fear.

No matter how scared I was, it was time to walk through that ring of fire.

Martha Beck describes the ring of fire as “the emotional process we must go through in order to reach the core of peace.” It was then that I truly learned a lesson that I always knew: in order to have what I desired, I had to allow myself to burn.

If you want to get to the very core of who you were born to be in this world, then you must embrace the concept of becoming a phoenix. You step into the fire, knowing that it’s going to be hot and scary,  yet necessary in order to strip away the layers of protection and “beliefs” that you have about yourself.

It is in this moment of decision that you take a leap of faith and choose love.

The life that you deserve to live is on the other side of the fire. There is immense power in allowing yourself to burn.

When you walk through the ring of fire, here’s what happens:

It burns up all the beliefs and excuses

Want to live a life you love? Then, darling, you are going to have to discard the beliefs about yourself that are keeping that life at bay. The beliefs about who you are and the concepts of the world you live in – beliefs like the fact that you are unlovable, undeserving of joy, unworthy of being loved and belonging, or unable to access joy and grace.

When you burn those babies, you can see your path. As the beliefs begin to go up in smoke, you begin to embody the words of Eleanor Roosevelt “You must do the thing that you think you cannot do.”

It forces you to choose love over fear

I wish I could tell you how many times I flirted with the fire and chose to live in the smoke because I was too afraid to walk through. What if I didn’t like to be a freshly reborn phoenix? Change is damned scary, and so often we decide we’re rather live in a crappy situation than risk the unknown.

It forces you to choose having a life instead of a half life

I wish I could tell you the number of times I got close to the fire and stopped on the edge and went back to simply existing. Walking through the fire forces you to live full-out instead of in the space of excuses.

It forces you to feel those shadow emotions

There is no way you can walk through the fire and not feel pain. But here’s the truth of the matter, kitten: there is more pain by staying away from the fire. There is the pain of not feeling any of the good stuff, the pain of simply existing, the pain of denying yourself joy.

When I see people go through the ring of fire, they get angry, they cry, they withdraw….most often it can seem like a big hot mess. And, baby, it’s supposed to be.

Sometimes, you have to deal with and feel that pain in order to let it go. But you grab your faith and your courage and continue to walk through, and then you realize that you have emerged.

It allows you to be reborn and feel excited about your life

Life feels different after you burn. When you’re going through it, it’s looks like a burnt field of grass, all black and messy. Then, one day, a bright, little green blade of grass sprouts up, followed by another and another until it’s so vibrant and fresh.

There is peace and love and joy on the other side.

Eventually, you must go through

There is a saying, “The only way out is through.” All the quick fixes, numbing techniques and running can’t get us where we want to go until we’re willing to burn. We can’t continue to run and struggle and hide. Eventually, we must surrender.

I believe that in my life, I’ve actually walked through the fire multiple times. It’s part of the process of living. The difference in being forced through the fire and choosing to walk through aren’t that different, but I can promise you that creating awareness around your choice will allow you to take that phoenix spirit with you.

Like me, I’m willing to bet that you’ve walked through the ring of fire before, even if you haven’t given yourself credit for it!

The purest form of you and a daily life you love is on the other side

Going through relationship hell – the feelings of never being enough for anyone, of feeling no one would ever love me as much as I loved them, that I was supposed to be the giver and never the receiver – was worth it, baby.

Because here I am, reconnected to myself. I’m loved. I’ve learned that relationships are not always toxic. And I have learned that I am loveable as I am and incredibly worthy.

This isn’t the only time I’ve walked through the fire.  And it won’t be the last. The ring of fire was gift.  I emerged as a Phoenix.

Think about all the things that you most enjoy now. Did you have to go through some hard times, some pain, overcome fear or go to some sort of hell to have this thing?

Now darling, what beliefs do you need to burn?

Are you on the edges of the flames but afraid to walk through alone? Get some help. Make Your Inner Sex Kitten Roar begins on April 21st and will give you 12 months of support as you flirt with the smoke, begin to walk through, and emerge on the other side.  And if group coaching isn’t your thing, check out my one-on-one coaching opportunities

I talk to women all the time who are, well, sick and tired of being sick and tired of how their life is going.

They are unhappy, unfulfilled, and just don’t see how life can change.

They feel stuck behind the labels they’ve assigned to themselves. Mom. Wife. Sister. Grandmother.

They tell me about numbing themselves with food or alcohol or shopping.

They tell me that they are simply existing.  Going from one day to the next without any sense of purpose or excitement for life.

They tell me that if their husband would just be more romantic, then they’d be in the mood.  Or they tell me that if their adult children would just “get their lives together” then they could have more freedom. Or that if their mom would just get off their back, they could be happy.

They tell me that they don’t know what they want.  Or that they are afraid to ask themselves, because they are afraid of the answers.

They tell me that they feel ashamed that they’ve “let themselves go”.  Or that they don’t deserve to spend money on themselves. They tell me they feel frumpy and lost.

Baby, let me tell you something: I get it. I’ve been there.  I’ve done that.  I have said (or thought) almost every single one of those things.

I am here to tell you that you are not alone.I’m also going to tell you some real truth, so listen up:

Darling, there is a way out.

It is never too late.  You are never too old.  You are never too far gone.

You can make the choice the change your life, your world, your attitude.

I won’t promise you that it will be easy.  I won’t promise that it will be comfortable, but I can promise you that it is possible.

It doesn’t happen overnight.  It happens in baby steps.  But it starts with making the decision that you are ready for things to be different.

The only person that you can change is you. 

So, if you’re waiting for others to change so that you can be happy, you are going to be waiting a hell of a long time. 

You will never change you mother, your partner or your children. But you can accept them for who they are and where you are in this moment in time. (And you can show them that change and happiness are possible by changing yourself).

I understand it can feel impossible to get started. This, my dear, is why you reach out to others for help.

I don’t have the answers to make the changes in your life, but I do have something: the questions to get you started.  THIS is why I coach and why I created Make Your Inner Sex Kitten Roar.

I have so much love in my heart for you. And I have so much faith in you – faith that you can change and that you can be in love with your life.

You are worthy of love.  You are worthy of feeling sexy  and confident and desired.

You are worth investing in.

I can tell you the best thing I ever did was to invest in myself and get some help figuring things out.

You, darling, are responsible for your happy.

You deserve to be the star in your own life, darling, not the supporting cast.

Darling, isn’t it time?

We’ve been exploring a variety of facets around the topic of feeling around here lately: allowing yourself to feel, choosing how you want to feel, and using that as a way to create goals that are meaningful.

Now, you may be poo-pooing me with the notion that “goals” sound rigid.  You may have set goals in the past, but even if you achieved them you didn’t get the sense of accomplishment you expected.  Or maybe  you never got very far along the path to reaching them.

Darling,  that can change by changing how you approach it.

If you haven’t yet done the work to figure out how you want to feel, do that first, kitten. (Refer to last week’s blog Your Heart’s Desires: How You Want to Feel? – or do the exercise in my free e-book)

Why? Baby, look at it this way.

You come up with goals and visions for the areas of your world – personal and career.  You believe that if you actualize that goal, it will give you a level of feeling successful, worthy and satisfied. But if you set goals based on external inputs only, it’s challenging to feel any level of satisfaction or success because the goals weren’t really your heart’s desires.

Oh, and if you never got very far along the path to achieving your goals? We’ll get to that.  Promise.

The next step to creating truly meaningful goals is to dive into your dreams.

“Men are not free when they’re doing just what they like. Men are only free when they’re doing what the deepest self likes. And there is getting down to the deepest self!  It takes some diving.”—D. H. Lawrence

It’s time to great a big-ass-list of hopes and dreams and desires and goals. The best way I know to do this is old-fashioned brainstorming.   Consider these questions:

• Who do you want to be?
• What do you want to have?
• What do you want to create in this world?
• What would you do if you could not fail?
• What do I want in the short term and the long term?
• Think about the forest and the leaves on the trees.
• What big things do I desire?
• What tiny inklings of desire to do I have?

Set a timer for 10 minutes (so that you don’t over-think it) and empty all of those dreams and desires onto the page. Once you create a list, then it’s time to edit it down.

Anything that smacks of “I should want” or “I’m expected to” gets crossed off the list.

After you list has been cleared of what others want and reflect your desires, then, it’s time to hone your focus.  You do this, by choosing only one or two goals to work towards.  Too many goals will scatter your focus and you won’t get anything done.  Trust me.

You can dream big.  You can create soulful intentions.  You can lay solid goals with milestones.  But unless you take action, you’ll just spin your wheels.   You get clear about how you want to feel and then you begin doing things that make you feel that way. Yes, my dear, there is a very important component to living the life of your dreams…

Actually living.

You can create novels and symphonies in your head, but until you put pen to paper and record them, you’re not a writer nor a composer.  You’re a dreamer. But I want you to achieve your dreams, and you aren’t going to be able to do that unless you take action.   Don’t get me wrong.  I love dreaming.   I’m a huge fan of day dreams.  I applaud you being a dreamer.

But taking action?

Darling, this is how you move into the Winner’s Circle of your own life.

Now, sometimes, the mere thought of taking action can feel paralyzing.   It’s scary. It can seem like the scariest thing in the world.  Why?  Because, baby, when dreams are big they feel unreachable.  And so, it’s too scary to even begin, because, honestly, where DO you begin, right?

The truth, though, is that that there’s a way to make dreams a part of your reality. By approaching it the way you would eat an elephant.  Not in one single giant bite, but little pieces that are easier to swallow.

The actual way to achieve big dreams is to take tiny steps forward.  Recognize that sometimes a step forward may mean a step back as well. When you break down the steps of what needs to be done to achieve a goal, then it removes big pieces of your fears.

Better yet?  You’ve created your very own road map to the Winner’s Circle of your life.

And this is where the real magic happens, darling. 

You see, darling, you don’t one day wake up and your dream has magically come true.  Nope. You wake up and realize that you are living your dream because you’ve done the work to make it happen.

Let me ask you a question, darling:  do you want to just bounce around in life or do you want to achieve or create something?  I’ll be honest and tell you that nothing is wrong with simply being, but I am guessing that if you were to push aside the fears and the sometimes-mean voice of your inner critic, what you really want is to create or achieve something.

You see, I believe that each of us was put on this earth for a purpose.  We are born into the world with our souls set on fire to explore and create and be bold.

Life happens, though, and we sometimes give in to the need to remain safe and small and unchanged.

While I dislike resolutions, you might be surprised to discover that I’m a big fan of goals.  Why is that, darling?  

Because when it comes to creating change and reaching for your dreams, goals can be incredibly effective tools.

I’m the first to admit that goals can seem typical of a “Type A” personality. I’ll even agree that the process of defining your goals probably won’t seem terribly sexy, at least at first, but baby, I promise you that you can find a way to make goals work for you.

My method may seem overly simple as I explain it, but – cross my heart – this approach works. Here are the basics:

• Get clear about how you want to feel.
• Brainstorm a BIG ASS List of Dreams and Goals
• Choose a couple of goals from your list based on the congruency of how you want to feel.
• Break each goal into bite sized pieces.
• Take action.

Sounding any sexier, yet?  Are you getting that tingling sensation down in the depths of your heart? The slight rush of blood to your head? If so, you’re on the right track.

But maybe, just maybe, creating that first sentence and accepting the inkling of exactly how you want to feel still sounds super scary. Feeling fear is perfectly okay.

In fact,either of the two reactions I described is perfectly okay, and that’s because both reactions are carrying the same message.

The message from your soul, telling you that you’re onto something.

First of all, darling, let me be frank:  you have to learn to identify your feelings and actually allow yourself to experience them.  All of them.   The  not-so-nice feelings like anger, shame and embarrassment,  and yes, the good feelings, too.  Because all too often we feel we don’t deserve to be happy, experience ecstasy, or embrace pleasure.

Now, I touched on that subject a couple of weeks ago, but it bears repeating,  and I want you to know that allowing yourself to feel is as much of a truth as the fact that mixing blue and yellow together will create green.

So here it is, the real secret to achieving things in your life (aka accomplishing goals): Create goals that help you define the way you want to feel.

So ask yourself, darling:  How do I want to feel?

There is no right or wrong answer to this question.  Don’t allow guilt to play into wanting to feel the way you want to feel.  Don’t get all tied up with how you should feel, or how you’re supposed to feel. Allow the real truth of how you want to feel to bubble to the surface.

In order to fall in love with your life – in order to achieve a life of your dreams – you need to follow your desired emotion.  Let it roll.  It’s deep inside your heart for a divine reason:  it’s a guide for you to fulfill your purpose.

Now, to be honest, kitten, I really love tying a little bow atop each blog post I share each week – to be able to deliver you powerful and actionable stuff in one spot.  This week, it just isn’t possible or you’d be scrolling and scrolling to get to the bottom and where’s the fun in that?

So let’s chat next week, okay? I’ll help you dive into your heart’s desires and cherry pick a goal your heart’s really longing to achieve.  This week? Just focus in on how you want to feel. 

Deciding how you want to feel is a big deal and is an exercise that will turn your way of thinking totally around.

So this week, just play with the concept that you get to choose how you want to feel. Mull it over in the bath, scribble thoughts on napkins during your lunch break. Then come back for next week’s post ready to translate how you want to feel to creating goals.

If you need some help, snag my new eBook  Create a Life You Love: 3 Steps to Achieving Your Heart’s Desires.  It’s my gift to everyone that subscribes to my newsletter (you can sign up by clicking here).

And tell me, baby: how DO you want to feel?

I believe that confession is good for the soul, so here’s a personal confession: I have some big goals this year around my writing, yet the first quarter of 2013 was spent with me being a gypsy.

Now, while I have a gypsy soul when it comes to the exploration of my deepest desires via travel, being a gypsy is not a way to be productive when it comes to writing.  On any given day, you would find me and my laptop in various places around the house.  Sometimes, at the island in the kitchen.  Sometimes on the couch (where the temptation of the TV would call to me).  Rarely would you find me in the office. I wandered around the house, never setting up shop anywhere for too long.

My gypsy writing was having an adverse effect on my productivity.

Why was I giving into gypsy working? To be flat out honest: my wants were scaring me and baby, there was all kinds of resistance.  Every person on “Team Debra” was telling me that I needed to write.  That what I have conceptualized is meant to be born into this world.  And when I planted those beautiful seeds in January, all kinds of dirt came up.

It never fails, darling, that when you plant a seed, the first thing that surfaces is the dirt the new sprout is displacing.

Here’s the truth, darling:  sometimes, we get in our own way.  Sometimes, we do everything in our power to distract ourselves from what we most desire.  Sometimes, we plant these beautiful seeds of dreams and desires, and get stuck in the dirt for a bit.

So, what’s a gal to do when she’s stuck in the dirt?

The very first thing to do – every damned time – is to just be honest with ourselves and acknowledge it.  Then, the next step is to stop beating yourself up and accept it’s where you are today, but it doesn’t mean it’s where you’re going to stay.

It’s time to get curious and ask yourself some questions:

• How long are you going to stay in the dirt?
• What are you going to do to get out of the dirt?
• What do you need in order for life to be congruent with your goals? What is not happening so that you can be congruent with who you want to be?

I based my decision of “how long” on my calendar.  We had a trip to Copenhagen planned, so I chose a week after returning home as the appropriate time frame for me.  There is a magical connection to giving yourself a deadline.

As to how I was going to get out of the dirt, I decided to get super curious and experiment.  What was my ideal environment for productive writing?  I wrote all over the house, in cafés, and at my desk.  I got curious about how I felt in each place both upon beginning and ending my writing time each day.

Then came that truly important third question:  what did I need in order to be congruent with my goals and who I want to be in this world.   What I discovered was that while I loved being mobile, there is a huge difference from being mobile and being a gypsy.

So, here’s the deal, kitten: Writing is how I deliver my message.  Writing is how I convey to readers tips, tricks, and my opinion on ways to create a life you love. Writing is how I create the lessons for all of my 30 Days to Clarity courses as well the Make Your Inner Sex Kitten Roar immersion.

The bigger picture of why I need to not be a gypsy during my writing time is bigger than a single writing project.

What I need in order to be the write the volume of words a week – and the quality I desire is a consistent work space.   I need my tools at hand.  I need quiet.  I need uncluttered. My environment in addition to my routines and habits all need to be congruent with who I am – and who I want to be.

At this point, you may be asking what the hell does this have to do with me?

What it has to do with you, darling, is everything.

Are you always putting yourself last?  Do you tell yourself that it’s ok disappoint yourself?  Are you tired all the damned time? Are you running a race like there’s a finish line somewhere, but you never get “there”? Do mornings feel like you are racing against an approaching storm?  Do you feel disconnected to your dreams? Are you surrounded by piles of clutter because life is too busy to get organized?

Your surroundings are like the soil in which the seed is planted. They can support your expansion, or keep you tied to old habits and patterns.

Your habits and routines aren’t random parts of your day, they are what creates your day to day life.

Your rituals – or lack thereof – are what tells your soul how you feel about yourself.

Your resistance to creating change in your life is crippling you.  Your crazy busy life is like me being a gypsy – it isn’t propelling you towards your dreams, it’s keeping you from them. Your refusal to ask for help is only adding stress.

In order to create a life you love, you must cultivate an environment that encourages you.

That means, clearing the clutter from your space, from you mind, and from your schedule.

If you want to create change – to feel loved, to feel worthy – then it’s time to show yourself love by taking care of yourself.

You do this by applying some loving discipline to your world with habits that support you, routines that nourish you and rituals that connect you to your soul.

Like it was time for me to return my laptop to my desk, it’s time, darling, to begin making your life congruent with what you want to create in the world and who you want to be.

If you’re ready to make lasting changes, reduce your stress, and create a day-to-day life that you love and is congruent with who you want to be in the world, Make Your Inner Sex Kitten Roar is beginning April 22, 2013.