Discovered on the Path from 43 to 44

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be 44.  And this website is celebrating it’s 1st birthday.  There is something super celebratory in using my own birth-date as the beginning point.  It’s like having my very own fiscal year.

Last year, I shared five lessons I learned on my journey from 42 to 43.  And because life is, well, life, in the last year, I’ve had to re-learn a lesson or two.

I returned from a four-week digital sabbatical / digital diet on May 10^th.  As I shared with you last week, a whole heck of a lot of dirt surfaced during this time.

You see, no matter how satisfied I was with parts of my life, I was burned out and exhausted.   I wasn’t feeling nourished in my spiritual, emotional or creative life.  I had put on about 12 pounds since September and had found myself snappish with loved ones.

That’s not the core of who I am.  And though I was aware that I was adrift from my core, I got out the whip I thought was long since gone and flagellated myself to keep pushing forward.

I can honestly report that life feels dramatically different since my sabbatical ended.  I feel centered, in touch with my core, and more nourished.  I’ve lost 6 or 7 pounds since May 8^th .  My creative muse has returned to me en force.   I thought today was an appropriate time to share some of what I learned this last year.

Twenty Pearls Discovered on the Path from 43 to 44

1. Do not expect yourself to feel rested if you short yourself on sleep.  Sleep is truly the body and soul’s time to restore.
2. If you aren’t eating regularly, your body cannot function at its best.  You need breakfast to fuel your mornings, not just coffee.  And a lunch break means break.  You need to re-fuel with good foods and step away from your desk.  Skipping either or both of these meals will cause you to feel sluggish (and possibly gain weight)
3. And speaking of fueling your body, hydration is critical for many of your body functions.   Drink. More. Water.
4. No matter how intuitive those who love you may be, they cannot read your mind.  If your needs are not being met, you have to verbalize them.
5. Ask for help.  It’s ok to admit you can’t do everything.  Even if you can do everything on your own, you don’t have to.
6. There is a difference between “travel” and “vacation”.  While “travel” may fulfill your thirst for adventures and exploration, don’t expect it to fill your need for rest.
7. If you want to explore the depth of your love with someone, travel with them.  I’m not talking about an idyllic weekend at a cozy bed and breakfast.  I’m talking planes, trains, and automobiles. If you are still head-over-heels in love (with each other) at the close of a trip, then you are building an everlasting bond.
8. If you are finding yourself cranky, it’s your heart’s way of telling you that your body needs movement.  Take a walk.  Do some jumping jacks.  Climb stairs.  Exercise – even a quick walk to the corner – will also help you clear your mind.
9. If in doubt, throw it out. No matter how much physical clutter you may have purged from your life, if you are feeling bogged down, it’s time to look to your environment for what can go.
10. Establishing solid morning and bedtime routines are critical.  These routines (habits) are not meant to stifle you.  They set you up for more productive days.  And allow your mind to focus on what’s most important.
11. Denying yourself necessary time for self-care is detrimental not only to your body, but also to your mind and soul.   You must allow time for regular meals, meditation, exercise, flossing, long showers, etc.
12. Be gently disciplined with you.  If you allow your inner 2 year old to get her way every day, you won’t be happy.  And if you constantly chide her, your inner child will refuse to come out and play.  This may seem like a delicate balance, but it’s critical to joy.
13. Voice-to-voice and/or face time is critical to mental, spiritual and emotional well being
14. Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, etc. are great ways to expand your acquaintances, but is not the environment to grow a deep  friendship.
15. Life ebbs and flows.  There is give and take.  If people are always asking from you, yet unwilling to give, then it’s time to examine your relationship with them.  If you are always taking and not giving, then it’s time to re-examine the direction of your life.
16. You’re never too old to make new friends.
17. Women (and maybe men) are feeling emotionally malnourished these days because they need more depth in their relationships.  And they need support.
18. You can never have too many kind words said to you – about you, your work, your place in the world. And you can never say too many kind words to everyone whose path you cross.
19. When in doubt, go with love and kindness.  This goes for how you deal with others.  And how you treat yourself.
20. Connection with other souls is critical for my own growth.

When it comes to many of these revelations, I knew that if it was a revelation for me, then others were feeling some, if not all, of the same things, too.

So, in honor of my birthday, I want to do something I saw a coach I greatly admire (Michele Woodward) do last year:  I’m going to open up my calendar and offer a “Pay-Whatever-You-Want” extravaganza of love, connection and support.

My rate for a single session is $125.  Packages of 2 sessions a month are $225. No matter how many sessions  you book with me, you decide what to pay for each session.

Maybe recent events have dug up dirt for you and you need some help digging out.  Maybe you’re simply curious about the coaching process.  Maybe you need some help de-tangling your life or schedule.  Maybe you simply need a confidante.

Let’s work together for 45-minutes and I’ll help you dig, spray some Johnson’s No-More Tangles on you, provide a safe space for you to share your story or assist you in figuring out your next step.  Then, you send me a check in the mail (or money via PayPal).

I’m always up for an adventure. 

I love meeting and learning about people. It teaches me about myself.

I know this will allow me to connect with beautiful souls.

The small print:

• My calendar will be opened between Monday, May 21^st and the end of June (Friday, June 29^th )
• This is limited to three 45-minute calls per person.
• You must pay something for each appointment you book.
• This offer expires on Friday, June 29, 2012.

I’m super excited about the possibilities.  What a wonderful birthday present to me!

In honor of my birthday, won’t you share a pearl of wisdom with my readers?  Leave your pearls in the comments!

Life is a funny thing.  I went into my sabbatical with the primary intent of re-discovering my center.  I’m happy to report that I found not only my center, but so much more.

I’d love to tell you that the moment my sabbatical began, the heavens opened up the sun shone brightly to illuminate my path.   But to be honest, the first thing that came up was a hell of a lot of dirt.

Now, I promise to share my discoveries with you in the coming weeks, but I believe discussing the icky stuff – like dirt – needs conversation as well.

I’ll be honest with you.  I love my daily life.  I know that I’m on the right path for my life.  But as idyllic as these things may appear, it doesn’t mean that life is always coming up roses.

When you plant a seed, it isn’t a sprout that comes up first. The first thing that comes up is dirt.

Creating change in your life means that no matter how strong your intention, old fears, habits, and thoughts will rise to the surface as the seeds of change take hold in your heart and soul.

In other words, when you make changes in your life, the resistance comes up first. This resistance, while not always easy to push through, will ultimately make you stronger.

I’ve experienced this myself.  Often.

When my word began to align with my soul – and I realized that I was (gasp!) happy,  I mistakenly believed that in order to break the chains of some limiting beliefs, I needed to instantly leave all the fears of the past behind. I discovered, however, that life doesn’t work that way. In order to plant the seeds of spiritual, physical, emotional and creative growth, sometimes you have to get dirty.

I understand that what you focus on grows, so it may seem counter-intuitive to give any attention to the dirt that comes up. The trick is in recognizing the line where positive focus ends and denial begins.

So, what do you do when the dirt comes up?

First of all, know that the dirt coming up is not the Universe telling you that you’re on the wrong path. It’s really a way for you to break the bonds of past. Many people give in at this stage, because change is uncomfortable. Don’t give up.  Continue to have faith in yourself.

Invest in an eCourse or Group Program. Sometimes, when you are in the muck, it’s hard to work your way out because you need a path for your thoughts.  Sometimes, one elegant thought, idea, or question can turn the tide.

Get some help and lose the story. Sometimes so much dirt surfaces that we begin to feel suffocated. Hire a coach or therapist. Or talk things over with a trusted friend. They will help you dig your way out. This person can give you a sacred space to tell your story so that you can begin to let it go.

Two things can happen when you lose your story. Sometimes, losing the story will simply bring up emotion. Allow yourself to feel, even if the emotions have negative connotation, like sadness or anger. When you allow yourself to feel, you begin to leave the story and drama behind.  Sometimes, losing the story allows you to see it in a different light by giving you the wisdom to re-frame it.  Either way, losing your story allows healing and grace into your heart.

Listen to your body. If trying to just ignore the dirt plagues your mind, listen to what your body is telling you. If you’re exhausted, go to bed early or take a nap. Big piles of the dirt that surfaced during my sabbatical were exaggerated by the fact that I was deep-bone-tired.  Baby yourself.  Go to bed early, take a nap, or sleep a little late.  On the flip side, if your body is restless, get some exercise. Go for a run, or turn on some music and dance around the house. When your body is more refreshed the dirt will seem less muddy.

(I slept.  A lot.)

Continual Improvement is a great rule of thumb. One of the most valuable points in Esther & Jerry Hick’s book Ask and It is Given, is that you don’t have to force yourself to go from feeling terrible to feeling wonderful.  Focus on feeling a little bit better than you did the day before.  Slowly, but surely, you’ll take shovels of dirt and toss them out of your way.

I won’t lie and tell you that it will be a magic wand and your life will change overnight.   Just know that once the dirt surfaces and you push it aside,  you’re left with beautiful sprouts of growth.

I’d love to hear about your dirt as well as your blooms.   Share some of both in the comments below.

I’m a huge fan of clearing physical clutter as a path forward to gaining clarity.  Disorder, clutter, and undone spaces in your home stall you from creating, sabotage your productivity, and keep you from moving forward.

I am so passionate about clearing physical clutter to gain clarity that I created an eCourse designed to help you clear your physical space.

“Clutter is not just the stuff on your floor—it’s anything that stands between you and the life you want to be living.” — Peter Walsh

Let me tell you something, darling:  clutter in any form robs you of energy.

This includes not only physical clutter, but mental  and emotional clutter as well.   You know what physical clutter is.  Emotional clutter is hanging on to things like fear, anger, and resentment.  Mental clutter is when you have too many thoughts bouncing around in your mind. 

I’d love to help you clear all kinds of clutter in your life.  In fact, clients often come to me to help them shed all kinds of clutter from their worlds. Clutter in any form interferes with the ability to thrive.

I’ll be honest:  I have an personal and intimate relationship with all kinds of clutter and have changed my life by learning how to reduce and eliminate it.

One of the biggest challenges my clients discuss with me is around clutter.  Clients tell me about colliding thoughts and overwhelming to-do lists.   Important tasks are forgotten.  Long term desires and goals are ignored because there “isn’t enough time” to put them in our schedules.

Today, I wanted to focus on mental clutter – and share the best tool I know to reduce and eliminate mental clutter.

Simply put, the fastest way to clear brain clutter:  write stuff down.

Seriously.  The fastest way to clear brain clutter is to get it out of your head and onto paper.   Need a reason to grab a pen and get stuff out of your head and onto paper?

Here are sixteen reasons why:

1. Writing stuff down frees up mental capacity so you can focus.
2. Writing things down allows you get unstuck – because you have taken action.
3. Writing stuff down allows you to filter past the automatic default thoughts.
4. Writing things down allows you to take inventory.
5. Writing stuff down allows you to choose where to put your focus.
6. Writing things down allows you to delete from your life what is draining your energy.
7. Writing stuff down makes it easier to take action.
8. Writing things down allows you to take big and vague ideas from your head and whittle them down into manageable action steps.
9. Writing stuff down allows you to refine your ideas.
10. Writing things down helps you remember the details of important events before time fades the memories.
11. Writing stuff down allows you to record moments of self realization.
12. Writing things down helps you pinpoint what actions are easier and more effective in your life.
13. Writing stuff down – like what you’ve accomplished and what you are grateful for -  helps your mind create new paths of positive thoughts.
14. Writing things down helps you discover a new way of being that works better.
15. Writing stuff down helps to remind yourself of new paths until they become habits.
16. Writing things down will allow you to direct your precious energy towards creating the clear path to a life lived in the zone

When energy is consistently flowing out to things that don’t really matter or to things that distract you, you have to play tricks in order to get by.  It’s time to stop playing tricks to get by, my dear. 

It’s time to release your mental clutter.

I know it can be a challenge to just begin to write without some direction, so what if I could help you methodically baby step your way from mental clutter to clarity?

30 Days to Clarity:  Clearing Brain Clutter – Discovering Your Heart’s Desire is the answer.

Every day of the program, you will get an email with a prompt that will take swirling thoughts from your head, connect them with your heart’s desire and discover what sets your soul on fire.  

We begin on Sunday, May 13th – and I’d love to have you join us!  Click here and register today!

Getting clear in your life by dealing with your mental clutter.  What about you?  What other benefits do you know of to writing things down?

Before I began to change my life, I often wondered when it is that our Inner Critic is born. I knew that she doesn’t burst  forth with us as we escape the womb and begin our lives as beautiful, perfectly imperfect human beings.   Nor do I believe that she springs to life in our earliest days of existence.

I’m an intuitive and curious creature who wants to know the answers to the questions that plague us as humans, especially in respect to the souls that I come into contact with on a regular basis.

The nurturer in me wants to make it better – to console and comfort.

The analytical side of me wants to understand the patterns of human life as well.    This side of me wants to understand the input I get from both the intuitive and nurturer.

The conclusions I’ve come to is that the Inner Critic for each person is born at a time different from every other person in the world.  We are individuals and our paths, while sometimes similar, have details that are different from the other souls that walk – and have walked – this planet.

The commonality is that the Inner Critic inside of each person, though born at different times, was born of pain.

I can pinpoint the general age in which I was when my Inner Critic was born.  And I can see the milestones my Inner Critic’s life – the moments when she gained strength and  the periods of my life in which she had full control of my life.

I’m sure you’ve had those out-of-body experiences when you feel as if your life is playing before you and you are simply an observer?

During that moment of your life, your inner critic had control.

As I reflect upon my almost 44 years on this planet, I can also pinpoint the moment I made the decision to let the real me take precedence in my life.  I can identify the actions and steps I have taken to quiet and comfort my inner critic.

But as I indicated, I’m clear on my path and my role with my inner critic, so let’s not talk about me, let’s talk about you and your inner critic.

The coach in me wants to take these conclusions and help you discern an answer unique to you: When did your Inner Critic spring to life?  For knowing can help put you on firmer footing to quiet her.

At first, your inner critic came along to serve as an imaginary friend of sorts. A voice of “reason”.   She stood up for you, protecting you  from (emotional) harm.  She voiced thoughts to keep you  unnoticed so you  weren’t bullied or ridiculed.  She said things meant to convince you that you must blend in with the crowd, encouraging you to be a sheep.  She wanted to keep you from change at all costs because change means discomfort.

Eventually, her voice of comfort became the voice of fear.

She criticizes every thought or action.  She encourages you to play small.  She values you being invisible to the world.  She is anger.  She is the voice that snaps at a waiter for a wrong order, for children for playing too loudly, and at puppies for being, well, puppies.   She questions your hairstyle, the amount of sugar you place in your coffee, and your decision to wear the blue blouse instead of the black.

My goodness, but she is mean sometimes, isn’t she?  She says such hateful things, and then, when questioned, comes to you from a voice of “I just want to keep you from looking stupid / ridiculous / etc”.

Let me tell you something, dear heart.  She gets stronger because we give up our personal power to her.  And the stronger she grows, the more she attempts to strangle and silence the core YOU.

It’s time, my dear, to remove her power.  It’s time to shush her angry voice.

And I’ll tell you a secret, darling.  You cannot remove her power with force or quiet her voice with angry words.  She is anger and fear and the only way to handle anger and fear is with love and compassion.

Yes.  I said love.  I said compassion.

For if we dig into our own pasts and pinpoint the moment our inner critic was born, we recognize that while she wasn’t born at the exact moment we burst into the world, she likely came to live in our minds when we were young.    She is a piece of your mind that one day wrapped the beautiful soul of you in bubble wrap in an attempt to keep you from being criticized or harmed.

Let’s begin the process of shushing your Inner Critic.  Close your eyes and imagine her as a child.  Fully imagine her – how she looks – from the tip of her curly head to the knobbly bend in her knees to her toes. Acknowledge her by giving a name to her voice.  (My Inner Critic’s name is “Mary”.)

When her voice rings in your head, go back to this image and get a clear picture of her in your mind.  She is child, so we must treat her as such – with the love, the kindness and the compassion of an older, wiser soul.

You quiet and comfort your inner critic so that, day by day, she becomes a part of your past rather than a part of your daily present.  You step into courage and choose your truth – not your inner critic’s truth – about what your heart most desires.

We take baby steps of courage into the world, quietly and calmly reassuring her that we love her and will keep her safe.  We tell her we understand her fear and we make a choice to step away from fear and towards love.

One of the best ways I know to quiet your inner critic is through truth.  By asking yourself the hard questions and, instead of shying away from them or answering them with how you think you “should”, you answer them from the depths of your heart.  You dig deep into your desires.  You turn to prayer and meditation.

We are always in choice.  Even when we do nothing, we are choosing to do nothing.

And we are always in the midst of change.  Remember that at every moment of our lives, we are evolving, morphing, and changing.

My next eCourse – 30 Days to Clarity Courses “Discovering Your Heart’s Desires” -  begins on May 13^th, and I’d love for you to be a part of it as we explore questions designed to get to the root of our desires. (The Early Bird Special ends on May 7th).  This course is an incredibly nourishing way to discover your truth so that you can being to quiet your Inner Critic.

The nurturer and coach  in me wants to help you heal and grow into that shiny, brilliant version of yourself  – to help you remove the bubble wrap from your core self.

You deserve to be happy.

To live a life of your dreams built on desire and love instead of anger and fear.  Make a decision to begin quieting your inner critic today.

Dig into your heart and explore what you most desire. Reach out for help to help you discover the voice of love and compassion.    In fact, make a commitment to love in this moment.  Add your comment and share one thing you can do to step from anger and fear towards joy, compassion, and love.

Imagine that you are Jane.  You live in the jungle and life is nice.  You have a lovely tree house and you love Tarzan.  But you’ve come to realize that you want to take control over the direction of your life.  Love is great and all -  yet you know that you don’t want rely upon Tarzan for everything.

I mean, let’s face it:  living in the tree, while safe and fun can honestly be a little boring.

Your heart tells you that you can explore, learn and embrace the beautiful life around you.  In fact, your heart insists that while it’s nice for Tarzan and Cheetah and everyone else to like you, what’s most important is your opinion of yourself.

Listen to your heart, darling, Jane.  Muster up your courage, grab a vine, and begin swinging through the jungle.

As you begin exploring the jungle, you first only change vines when you can touch the next vine in your route. You build upon your courage and realize that you can take bolder actions. You want to explore more of the jungle and this means soaring through the air and reaching for a vine that’s further away. In order to explore further, you find that sometimes you have to let go of the vine in your hand without being able to see the next vine. You just have to know that it’s there.

But this isn’t the jungle, baby:  it’s the world and your life.

And sometimes, darling, you just have to take a giant leap of faith.

Your mind will say all kinds of mean things to you meant to keep you in the tree.  The tree is familiar.  It’s safe. You know exactly what to expect while you stay in the tree.  Yep, your inner lizard wants you to play small and never change.  Your Inner Critic may chime in and say “Didn’t you say you wanted a hunky man to take care of you?  Are you strong enough to swing out and explore on your own?  Are you worth the risk of exploring?

Let me tell you something, sweetheart:  Damn right you‘re worth it.

You are worthy of dreaming big and exploring large.

Take it from me.  I was once like Jane in the Tree.  Then, I discovered that deep inside, my heart was crying out for me to be my true self: Warrior Jane.  I learned to go through life on faith.  Faith has led me to embrace my passions, find my courage, discover true love, wrestle with forgiveness, and fall head over heels in love with my life.

You have a choice, darling: you can stay in the tree and cling to a single vine of your current existence.  Or.

You can swing out as far as you are able, take a flying leap and embrace what’s it’s like to live fully.

You desire and deserve a life that feeds your soul.  You deserve to leave behind what drains your energy.  You deserve to embrace love.  To leave behind  you living small, regrets, and the pieces of your broken heart that is strewn upon the floor of your past.  You deserve to let go of the self-image of a person who doesn’t deserve happiness or love.

For you deserve the most powerful love of all:  the love of yourself.

Choose love over fear.

Discover that even when the vines of life seem too far apart, your heart will know that the next vine is there waiting for you.  Embrace your life.  Embrace faith.

Discover who you really are – and what you really desire.

Tell me darling, what one step can you take in the direction of your heart’s desires?  I’d love to hear about it, so let me know here in the comments.

Love,

PS – If you aren’t quite sure where to begin, let me give you a helping hand.  Join me beginning May 13th for my eCourse   Discovering Your Heart’s Desires.

30 Days. 30 Questions.   Designed to help you clear out the brain clutter that is drowning out the voices of your heart and soul.  Designed to help you gain clarity by getting to know yourself and what the core of you really want.  Every day of the program, you will get an email with a writing prompts and exercises that will help you to dig down into your core, push aside the things you think you “should” want, and get down to what your heart really wants.

((click here to register today))!

Take a leap of faith in your life and discover what you really want.

As I prepare for my upcoming digital sabbatical, I thought it appropriate to bring to this space my Manifesto on Balance, which I shared in part in my weekly eZine / newsletter in January.

For years and years, I sought balance.  Yet in the pursuit of the ever elusive balance, I discovered that, for me, the concept is mythical.

I have a definition of balance that I live by.  It’s my personal defintion and by no means do I feel you have to agree 100% with me.  I want to share with you  to get your thoughts – and also challenge you to truly dig in and define “balance” for you and how it applies to your life.

The Manifesto of Balance

Life does not balance on a daily basis.  Some days, the lion’s share of energy will go towards work.  Some days, the lion’s share of energy will go towards my home.  Some days the lion’s share of energy will go towards a creative project (which is often disguised as work).  And sometimes, the lion’s share of energy gets to go to what I would term as fun:  my partner, traveling, or a day spent on the couch reading a new novel.

What’s important is – when I look upon my life in snapshot form – I see a balance of sorts revealed – sometimes over a week’s time and sometimes over a month’s time.  What is critical is that when I take the time to ponder and reflect, the core of who I am feels peaceful and content.

When my soul feels weary, it’s time to adjust.  Until then, allow life to ebb and flow.

No relationship is ever 50/50 on a daily basis.     Relationships are sometimes 60/40 – and sometimes they are 20/80.  Trying to keep track of who puts forth more effort or any kind of keeping score (I do this and he does that) is only detrimental to my soul and the health of every relationship.  What is critical is that when I take time to ponder and reflect, I choose to continue to nurture my relationships that feed my soul….and spend less time on the relationships that act as a vampire to my energy.

Like life, relationships will ebb and flow – and will do so in a natural rhythm if we allow it.

When it comes to sharing my life online, I will always strive to share the feelings and experiences along my journey in life even if I choose not to share them in real time.  What is critical is that when I look back and reflect upon my postings within the venues available, I am able to connect with others while feeling that the private parts of my life are still my own.  That my spirit of adventure, my passion for a life well lived, my faith in others, and feeling that I am love-struck shines through – even if I don’t make my life an open book.   Sharing parts of my life with the world at large is not about being popular -   it’s about connection.

When I forget my personal definitions of “Balance” – whether it applies to life, relationships, or social media, I am not being true to ME.  In fact, ignoring my definitions and attempting to bend to anther’s definition sets me up for pain and suffering of mind, body, and/or soul.

Allow life to ebb and flow because there is no passion nor fulfillment in the attempt of life balance.  Only in the living of life.

(the end for now)

I’ve been writing on the web since September 2000.  During more than a decade of sharing pieces of myself, I have come to understand that I can still be real – authentic, vulnerable, and overflowing with pure love – without sharing every detail of my existence with you.   Yes, as a part of learning to define balance for myself, I have come to understand that there is indeed a balance of authenticity with privacy.

My digital sabbatical begins on April 13th and will go until May 7th.

It will be divided into two parts.  Part One goes from April 13th until April 26th.  During this time, I am going to be a reducing my time on-line by a minimum of 50%.  I will still be available to clients and class attendees – and still conducting Discovery Sessions.   Part Two  begins April 27th  and will carry through until May 7th.  During this time, I am going to be reducing down to 10% or less.

Thanks to the magic that is WordPress, MailChimp and HootSuite, you will see traces of me during this time.  I ask that you be patient and understanding if I am overly delayed in responding.

I have every confidence that this time away will be bittersweet – bitter in the missing of your presence – but sweet in the value it brings to refreshing my soul.

In the meantime, I’d love for you to share your thoughts on my Manifesto of Balance – as well as your own definition of “balance”.

Who can resist the joys of an Easter (or Passover) meal?  For those adhering to the strictness of Lent, it’s the feast to celebrate the culmination of the season.  It’s also the first opportunity for many families, scattered hither and thither to gather together since Christmas .   It’s a gathering sharing not only food, but to celebrate the love and connection of important souls in our lives. 

We imagine a delicious meal, thoughtful conversations, and supportive interactions.

For others, the thought of spending part of the holidays with kinfolk equals the prospect of getting a root canal.  A family gathering means withstanding  your mother’s observations about your weight, your Aunt Matilda’s comments about your clothes, and your brother-in-law’s attempt to goad you into an argument about politics.  Family gatherings like these steer away from the joy of the season and propel you into feeling like you’re entering the fencing arena – but without the masks, protective gear and gentlemanly rules!

So, before you pack your Hot Cross Buns, Deviled Eggs and Easter Baskets in the car – and potentially feel the need to arm yourself with foil or saber, consider these tips to turn the fencing arena back into the dining room.

Don’t Grab a Sabre

When people say rude or mean things, it’s tempting to snap back.  Sure, it might make you feel better in the moment, but in the long run (especially if, like me, you have people-pleasing tendencies) you’ll end up using beating up on yourself. Insecurities and fears make many people do less-than-nice things.  Before you pick up your sword, take this knowledge to heart:  it’s often not personal. You simple trigger a negative response because of their past interactions with other people. If you step back and apply compassion and empathy to the situation, you can re-frame this person in your mind, and keep your boxing gloves off.

You Aren’t The Referee

Are you putting yourself in the middle of the ring, evaluating and judging everything you say, do, wear or eat?  Sometimes, the words of our inner critic – our inner judge, really – are worse than anything others might say. This is why an innocent comment from Uncle Jim about the carrot cake makes you believe that he’s calling you fat.  Make  peace with yourself and if you haven’t yet, sign a Peace Agreement post haste).  When you release your inner critic, when you unzip those judge’s robes,  you can enjoy the holiday banter.

There’s No Paparazzi at Easter Dinner

Some people escape the content of their own lives by obsessing about others.  I always bring to mind the words of Byron Katie’s thoughts on business: “There are three kinds of business: yours, theirs and God’s.”  What other people think of us is their business. There is nothing we can do to change others.  The only control we have is to make decisions for ourselves:  that’s our business and no one else’s.  People will talk about you and may even say nasty things about you.  They will comment on your clothes, your weight, your choice of friends or love interest.  They will judge you, because they are too afraid to look within themselves.  Release the worry of their business. Create your own rules and cultivate a life of your choosing. Remember that you are the only one who lives inside your skin, lives your daily life, and faces yourself in the mirror each day.  If you are living true to what is best for you, then that’s all that matters.

You Are Not a Sports Commentator

If you find yourself mentally picking apart another’s words, just waiting for the chance to cross-examine them, STOP.  Now, ask whose business you’re in.  And if you find yourself focusing on someone else’s behaviors, like the tightness of their jeans or their third helping of stuffing, check what part of your own business you’re avoiding. Observe your own resistance, offer yourself some sympathy, then commit to dealing with what you can change: your stuff. Better yet, enlist your partner, sibling, or trusted family member. Tell him about the difficulty or scariness of your business. He’ll probably listen and maybe offer help—and presto! Your need to get into his business will be replaced by increased love and gratitude.  Besides, a little vulnerability goes a long way in building and strengthening relationships.

Head to the Concession Stand

Sometimes, events do become tense and uncomfortable.  You may be tempted to become small and quiet, like a mouse, bearing witness to the unpleasantness around you.  But you have another option. If you sense that family members are picking up their swords, then head for to the concession stand. Remove yourself from the situation by offering to help with the dishes, excusing yourself to the restroom, or just taking a walk. You have the right to honor yourself and your needs. Alternatively, put your wits to good use. There’s nothing wrong with trying to turn the conversation to another subject or injecting a humorous change.  Stepping out of the family politics and drama can lead to others following your example.

Don’t Attend The Tournament

And now for some flat-out honesty:  if the thought of spending time with your family makes you ill, then stay home. You don’t have to submit to being emotionally or verbally abused.   The world is full of unhappy people and sometimes, these people are family members.  You have a right to enjoy the holidays, just like you have the right to be happy. Don’t make a rash decision, of course. Life is short.   Do a little meditation and listen to what your heart tells you.    And if your heart tells you it wants to go, then by all means spend some time with your family.  Just remember these tips for dealing with ‘em.  (And don’t hesitate to shorten the length of your trip and/or stay in a hotel!)

No matter what the spring holiday brings, focus on the positive aspects of those around you instead of their negative traits.  As crazy as they may make you feel, they are still your family.  And deep down, you love them. 

Keep in your business. 

Don’t take things personally.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t help, support, and encourage those you love. It’s simply a reminder not to get involved with trying to change your family.  You only have the power to change yourself.

What ideas to you have to keep your cool and keep from fencing during spring family gatherings?

I adore my clients from the depths of my toes to the top of my head.  My time with them feels like play.  I’ve always been a writer at heart, and my time spent putting my thoughts to paper fills me with joy.  I love my every day life.

Truly.  Head-over-heels in love with my ordinary daily life.

Yet, to be flat out honest, I’m finding my soul weary. And to be even more honest,  I’ve continued to ignore my heart’s cry for  a break. 

Here I am each day, doing what I love, yet I’ve been finding myself feeling burned out.  I believe connection is of the utmost of importance, and while meditating upon this have realized that, while I seek true and deep connections, the surface connections found in digital space sometimes feel a little forced.

It took a conversation with my own coach for me to discover that I have been missing a critical tenet of living in the zone:  regular play.

If you are a subscriber to my newsletter, you’ve possibly read that I am planning to take a digital sabbatical. That sabbatical has been a long time coming – something I’ve been considering since last Labor Day – but I kept telling myself that I couldn’t “afford” to take time off.

My coach challenged me, kindly called me on the story I was telling myself, and gave me the exact same journaling assignment I had given a client just five days earlier.

(On a side note:  this is why coaches need a coach.  We are too close to our own stuff sometimes – and need someone to (lovingly) call us on our own bull-shit.)

I see it often with clients like myself whose work is a passion:  sometimes we embrace and love our work so very much that our work can feel like play at times.

The truth, however, is that when you don’t include regular non-work play in your world,  it’s bad for your well-being, and can actually lead to stress, fatigue, and depression. At the risk of sounding too clinical, let me share the words of Stuart Brown, from his book Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul, “The opposite of play is not work. The opposite of play is depression.”

Last week, I had an opportunity to spend some time at an amusement park.  I let down the pretense of being an adult and in addition to riding every roller coaster I could, I also rode the carousel.  In those moments of simply being, my stress and cares floated away.

I was reminded that play for the sake of pure play is critical.

If you can’t seem to step away from your work and life – or have forgotten how to play – here are ten ideas to bring play back into your world.

One – Amuse Yourself.  Spring is here and all over the country, carnivals and amusement parks are opening.  Visit with close friend – or better yet, your partner.  Cavort through the park with joyful abandon.  Spend some time on rides that seem “beneath” you.  Like the carousel, the train, or a simple boat ride.

Two – Be in 1st Grade for an Hour.  Purchase yourself a fresh box of crayons and a pad of manila paper (or a cool coloring book) and color.  Make a collage by cutting out pictures from magazines and gluing them on a poster board.  Use your hands to create a piece of artwork just for the fun of it.  And when you’re done, hang on it the fridge.

Three – Embrace your Inner 4-year-old.  Buy a bottle of bubbles, sit on your back porch, and go through the process of dipping into the bottle, not caring when your hands get slimy, and blow bubbles.  Let go of who you are from 9-5 and watch your bubbles float into the atmosphere.

Four – Go Back to High School. Do you remember your first boyfriend?  There were excuses for brushing against you. Holding hands was a thrill.  And you got butterflies when he kissed you.  Go on a date with your partner. Hold hands. Talk. Laugh.  Flirt. Connect. Make out like you won’t be going further than 2nd base.  Don’t go in with a preconceived notion of anything, just go and enjoy the thrill of connecting with the person you love. If you want to jump forward in time at the end of the evening and make love, by all means do!  Just don’t plan your date with the goal of sex, it’s about having fun with your partner without expectations.

Five – Honor Your Inner 12-Year Old.  Do you remember the days before you had your driver’s license?  I sure do. The way I got anywhere was to ride my bike.  Drag your bike out of the garage, hop on, and go for a ride.  Don’t go with the idea of logging a specific number of miles or getting your heart rate to a certain number, just go for the pleasure of being outside in the fresh air. Let the wind caress your face.  Listen to the sounds of nature around you. See where the road takes you.

Six – It’s All About the Game.  Do you remember playing basketball with your friends at the playground?  Or escaping the summer heat with board games like Monopoly and Sorry?  Grab a friend and play a game.  It’s not about who wins or what your score is; it’s about the camaraderie and laughter that evolve when you play a game with a friend. Shoot some hoops.  Go to the driving range.  Drag out the Scrabble board. JB and I have cards, Backgammon, Monopoly and Chess.  Some of our best weeks seem to begin with a weekend spent playing games.

Seven -Listen to the Voice of Your Grandmother.  When I would spend time at my grandmother’s house, inevitably I would become mopey and bored.  And when I became bored, I would talk to her incessantly while she was watching her “shows.”  She would look at me and say, “Debra, go outside and play.”   I would go into the yard and pick up cool rocks.  Or climb the tree in her front yard.  Or run as fast as I could from the back porch to the fence.  I got outside; I got active without a specific plan.  I got sweaty, scraped my knees, and got dirty.   GO OUTSIDE and bum around for half an hour.  And when you’re done, come inside and have a cold glass of lemonade to cool off.

Eight – Plan a digital sabbatical.  Don’t allow yourself to get to the burn-out stage (like I did).  Take a break of a week (or three) from Facebook, Twitter, and other digital time-sucks.  And if you can’t take a large chunk of time, unplug for an evening or a weekend.

Nine – Spend Time In Your Own Little World.  I loved two things when I was a kid:  books and Barbie dolls.  I would spend hours going on fictional adventures with Trixie Belden, and my Barbie dolls not only had cool houses and a camper, but lived in a vivid and exciting world created in my mind.  Spend some time in solitary activity that makes your creative juices flow. Pick up that romance novel from the library, write a story starring your favorite fictional character, or build a model airplane.  Lose yourself in the richness of your imagination.

Ten – Spring Clean. This sounds counter-intuitive, I know.  But do you remember how much fun you had doing a really messy chore as a kid? Digging in the flower beds to prepare them for spring planting, hosing off the deck, cleaning windows.  Invite a friend over.   Squirt each other with the hose.  Make a play date out of it!This isn’t about a to-do list.  It’s about finding joy in getting sweaty and dirty – with the end result being something you’ll be proud of accomplishing.

Whatever form of play you choose, remember that playing is done for its own sake.  It’s voluntary.  You experience freedom. You open yourself to creative exploration. When you finish, it leaves you wanting more.

Play helps the brain adapt and improvise when unexpected challenges arise. Playing will allow you to release stress, gain energy, and be more productive.

When you find yourself overly tired and more than a little irritable, remembering to add some playtime into your life will allow you to soar into joy.

What about you?  How do you want to spend your playtime?

PS – My modified digital sabbatical will be taking place in two parts  – beginning April 13th to May 7th.  I’ll still be in touch with all clients and facilitating Discovery Sessions.

20 Spectacular Reasons to Get Organized, Toss Clutter & Spring Clean

Spring has officially arrived.

I’m hearing tales from friends all over the US that daffodils have begun to poke their heads up and that spring showers (and storms) have begun to bring needed moisture for the growth of later spring blooms.  In the first few weeks of spring, I find myself embracing fresh breezes, admiring early and delicate blooms, and longing for the first local asparagus.

At home, you’ll find me embracing some true spring rituals.  Opening the windows to allow fresh air to bathe the house with the freshness of spring as it replaces the cooped up smells of winter.  Placing cut flowers in vases all over the house to bring in some brightness.  And cleaning nooks and crannies, like the fridge and the baseboards.    It’s also time to drag the lawn chairs out of the basement and put ‘em on the porch so we can enjoy the beauty of the earth as it comes alive.

You’ll also find me digging back into de-cluttering my spaces. 

De-cluttering your physical space is the perfect beginning to nourish the bloom of spring within your heart and home.

It also brings me an amazing peace of mind and boosts my productivity and creativity!

Twenty Reasons to De-clutter Your Home For Spring

1. As you prepare for a new season, cleaning and de-cluttering  allows your soul to shift.
2. Everyone living in your home can more easily make the transition to a new season when living a a clean space.
3. De-cluttering, cleaning, and refreshing your physical space helps dissipate the winter blues.
4. Everything has energy and you can renew your energy by removing excess.
5. Pockets of clutter distract you from living your best life.
6. Life crystallizes when your physical space is in order.
7. In order to make space in your life for the new and brilliant to come in – you have to release the old and crusty.
8. You begin to fall in love with your life when you home is a space in which you can relax.
9. When your surroundings are serene, your soul will be able to create.
10. Every time you open a drawer and have to look for something, your mind refocuses.  It turns to the task of finding scissors and distracts you from writing that chapter of your book, that blog post, that sales letter or the perfect line of a song
11. When energy is consistently flowing out to things that don’t really matter or to things that distract you, you have to play tricks in order to get by.  You have to “get more” things to keep your energy up.
12. It’s challenging to live your best life when you are surrounded by too much stuff.
13. A clean house provides a better environment for reading, thinking and dreaming.
14. Cleaning is good exercise.  The physical removal of excess items in your life – old computers, clothes that don’t fit, and unused appliances – is even better exercise.
15. Having an organized, sanitized, sparkling clean kitchen can help you make healthier eating choices.
16. Deep cleaning your home frees it from mold, mildew, dust and bugs.
17. As you spring clean your home, you can make a list of repairs that need to done.
18. Cleaning out your closet gives you an opportunity to evaluate what you need for summer.  You want to flaunt your style!
19. It’s easier to connect to your heart – instead of being distracted by mess and clutter.
20. Socializing with friends is easier when you don’t have to hustle and bustle to clean your house for company.  When you want to throw a party, you’ll just need to give the house a lick and a promise.

 Want to get your space in order?  Want to shed stuff?  Want to clean some nooks and crannies without overwhelm and exhaustion?

Join me for 30 Days to Clarity:  Clutter Busting Edition (Hello, Spring!) .

Each day of the program, you’ll get an inspirational note with a task designed to take 30 minutes or less.

Together, we will get things streamlined, de-cluttered, and organized in small, steady doses.   We’ll also tackle some hidden spaces for some bonus Spring Cleaning Action!  This approach allows us to slowly add routines and build a momentum of organization, without the exhaustion at the end.  It also adds to – instead of draining – that precious energy.

Getting clear in your life by dealing with all sizes of clutter will allow you to direct your precious energy to living full engaged.

I want you to fall in love with your life so that you can live every moment right smack in the middle of the zone.

Just think:  You and me (and more than a dozen kindred spirits). 30 Days.  30 Minutes (or less).  Clearing space.  Clearer  thinking.

Class begins on April 1^st.  The Course can be done as a 100% DIY for only $27 – or bundled with a single coaching session for $97.    It’s going to be a blast!

What other reasons can you share for de-cluttering and spring cleaning?  Leave your ideas in the comments!

What do you want?

It’s an innocuous question on the surface.

A million times a day we make decisions:  The black shoes instead of the brown.  A tuna sandwich for lunch.  An hour of reality TV and then an hour of reading before bed.

When I think of that question, my mind drifts to the Tom Hanks line from You’ve Got Mail: “The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don’t know what the hell they’re doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall. Decaf. Cappuccino.”

We make a gazillion decisions on any given day, so of course we know what we want.

Right?

Well.  If you’re like a lot of people, the answer to “what do you want” may come out “I don’t know.”

I hear it often. I’ve been known to utter these words myself. (In fact, as recently as two months ago, I was called on it by a dear friend when I answered a question about my writing this way.)

The truth, my dear, is this:  you do know.  At least, the deepest part of your heart knows.

Sometimes the answer to the question “what do you want” is rarely“I don’t know,” but instead comes out as a shopping list of “shoulds” revolving around perfection.  Answers like “I want to be a perfect wife, mother, and employee.”

The thing is, that answer isn’t exactly truthful.  Feeling the need to “be perfect” sets us up for a constant dialogue with our Inner Critic.  We base our idea of perfection on the outside world views:  a white picket fence, baking cookies, and being a hot sex-kitten for our man.  (Or for my guys out there, it’s working hard to bring home the bacon, playing a great game of golf and one-on-one basketball, and being the strong, supportive, sensitive partner at all times.)

Now, while I’m a big lover of cookies – and I believe that you (yes, you) are a hotty-hot sex kitten deep inside, I’m here to tell you, darling, that continuing to strive for the perfection based on what the outside world – also known as “they” – should look like is a path to dissatisfaction with your life.

Look.  I know to the depths of my soul that you desire – and fully deserve – to be happy.

To discover what your soul desires, though, you’re going to have to listen to your heart and soul for the truth.  It’s about gently steering yourself in the right direction.

Only you can define what happy looks like to you.

Only you can define what satisfaction feels like.

I know that this is scary territory for some.  I cannot tell you the umpteen times that I have sat across the table from (or at the other end of the phone) from someone who realized they were afraid of the answers even more than of the questions. And then to be a witness to the discovery that the desire to begin living life is stronger than the pain, the numbness, and the fear of simply existing.

I have faith that you can find your heart’s desires.  That you can be happy.  That you can feel joyful and satisfied and proud.

It starts with facing the simple question of “What do I want”.

And answering it with truth.

My eCourse “Clearing Brain Clutter: Discovering Your Heart’s Desire” begins on May 13th …

If you are ready to explore now, begin by asking yourself these questions:

• What is the best thing about my life?
• What is my best quality?
• How do I want to feel?
• Why do I want to feel  ________?
• When I answer “what” I want, what is the first thing that comes to mind?
• Why do I want _________?
• What do I know I don’t want in my life?
• How can I begin to let go?

If digging into these questions on your own seems a little daunting – or just too scary without a bit of a helping hand, then by all means ask for some help. Choose someone to help guide you along the journey – a therapist, a wise friend, or a coach.

I offer a free discovery session and I have a half-dozen ways to work together.

(I’d love to work with you but let me tell you something:  if we aren’t a good match, I’m always thrilled to refer out to other coaches.  Because one of the driving forces for me is my desire for you to find your happy.)

Step up in courage and share the answers to one of these questions here in the comments.

PS -  Another great way to begin is to work through my eBook/eWorkbook  “Three Steps to Sailing Into Your Best Year : Creating Your 2012 Compass”.  It will allow you to clarify your values, identify how you want to feel, and zone in on the actions you’d like to take.   It’s available to my eZine subscribers FREE until April 5th.

(Go here to subscribe and upon confirmation, you will be emailed a link to download all the parts of the eBook.)