Helping Kids Through Divorce: A Guide for Parents

Divorce can be messy and complex, but it doesn’t have to be this way for your children. Shielding children from the worst parts of the divorce can help to ensure they grow up happy with a healthy perspective on relationships.

Parents often struggle to manage the transition from parenting to co-parenting, which can have a lasting impact on their child’s development. First and foremost, parents need to be on the same page, which can be difficult during the midst of a messy divorce. In this guide, we’re sharing some of the steps you can take to help children through a divorce so there is no negative impact.

Don’t withhold contact

Parents often want to punish the other parent for their role in the divorce by restricting access to their children. Unless there is a genuine safeguarding issue, it’s vital to not play this game, as it can have a serious impact on children.

Both parents have custody rights, and the cause of the breakdown of the relationship does not factor in here. Withholding contact could make the divorce more toxic, and it could be very distressing to your children.

Maintain a routine

Both parents need to be on board with the child’s routine so they can experience a sense of consistency. Bed times, meals and house rules should remain consistent across both homes. For example, if screens are not allowed before bed time, this needs to happen in both homes.

It’s also important for both parents to honor commitments like extracurricular activities and social engagements. If work schedules make it difficult for one parent to get to after school activities, ask for support from the wider parent community.

Give children a space to talk about their feelings

Children might fear talking about how they feel as they worry about upsetting you. It’s vital that you are able to put your feelings aside and be present for your child. While your feelings towards your ex-partner may have soured, your child doesn’t feel the same way, and they might be struggling to understand why you can’t make it work. Shutting down conversations will intensify these feelings.

Even worse, they might blame themselves for causing the breakdown of the relationship. They need to have a space where they can talk about their feelings without upsetting anyone. If you struggle to offer this, consider professional counselling for your child.

Keep the school informed

Your child’s school will want to know what is going on, and they might be able to offer helpful suggestions on how to make this transition easier. This won’t be the first time they have seen children go through a divorce, so make sure you leverage their training and experience.

At the very least, they can monitor your child’s behavior and mood and let you know if they are concerned that your child isn’t coping well. The school might also offer counselling for children experiencing problems at home.

Embrace the normal

It can be tempting to make a big fuss when you do see your children, as you want the time to be memorable. However, this behavior is often triggered by fear. Specifically, the fear that your child might prefer the other parent. Trying to win points with your child by making every visit spectacular will only backfire – particularly as you won’t be able to keep it up.

Instead, embrace the everyday and the normal. Quality time together at the local park is just as good as quality time at an expensive theme park. You don’t have to make every day an event, and it can be jarring for children to have to adapt to this erratic behavior.