9 Minutes A Day Can Change Your Family

Parents can get a lot accomplished in less than ten minutes. In just nine minutes, you can make eggs and toast for breakfast. You can clean a bathroom. You can sort laundry and start the first load in the washer in nine minutes.

Dr. Hassan Alzein of Alzein Pediatrics & Urgent Care in Evergreen Park and Oak Lawn, Illinois, understands the amazing things that can happen in just 9 minutes. “You can read your child a bedtime story. Together, you can color a picture,” Alzein says. “You can also help your child become less anxious, more confident and happier overall.”

The 9-Minute Theory is credited to neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp. Alzein says, “Panksepp’s original research examined the emotional treatment of animals, and he discovered that on a biological level, creatures thrive when they feel safe and comfortable. Panksepp then applied this theory of positive emotions to human development.”

Now, Panksepp – and Alzein Pediatrics providers – recommends parents create a routine of meaningful interactions with their children throughout the day; in the morning, afternoon, and before bed. According to the theory and the research surrounding it, spending 3 minutes talking to your child three times a day creates a routine that improves the parent-child bond.

The timing of those 3-minute conversations is important, says Dr. Alzein. “These interactions should occur immediately before or after prolonged periods when children are away from parents. Panksepp posits that having a meaningful conversation at those strategic moments reminds kids that they are cared for and loved. The time of day and ultimate length of those conversations – you certainly don’t have to stop talking for 3 minutes! – doesn’t really matter, but the 3×3 system offers a schedule that is easy to remember and enact, especially for busy parents who are always feeling like they don’t have enough time with their kids.”

To begin, focus fully on a single child. Make eye contact with them, put away any devices and screens, and ignore everything else. This is the time to show genuine, unwavering interest in your child’s life.

No matter what your child’s age, ask questions that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Avoid asking “how was your day?” which can be easily answered with “fine.” Consider instead:

- What do you hope to learn today?
- Who do you want to play with or talk to today?
- Tell me something that made you laugh.
- Did you feel worried about anything today?
- What did you learn today that you didn’t know yesterday?
- What did you find difficult today?
- Who did you have lunch with today?
- Did you help someone today?
- What is something you did today that you hope you can do again tomorrow?

“It sounds incredible, but nine minutes each day will indeed make a big difference in your child and in your relationship,” says Dr. Alzein. “This strategy will make you a better parent, and build trust and respect with your child. Taking the time to give your complete attention to one child, centering their experience, makes your child feel loved and safe. Kids who feel cherished have a variety of positive health outcomes.” Children who have strong and positive relationships with their parents also have fewer chronic illnesses and better health overall as adults, even well past middle age.

Dr. Alzein says that every interaction doesn’t have to be emotional and deeply insightful; it’s okay to laugh together for three minutes with a joke they heard on their favorite podcast or something funny that happened in preschool. “By making these conversations routine, your child will feel more comfortable having more complex conversations with you as they grow older, when life becomes more complicated.

Establishing regular conversations is also a developmental benefit, as children who communicate regularly with their parents show improvements in language and vocabulary skills. All of these benefits together—positive emotions, strong relationships, and open communication—tend to form children with a higher social competence that carries them through life, helping them maintain healthy conversations and emotional relationships.

The 9-Minute Theory is also a net positive for parents, who often feel frustrated and guilty about the amount of time they are able to spend with their kids. Implementing the 9-Minute Theory eases those negative feelings by building a routine of daily high-quality, meaningful conversations with your kids.

Dr. Alzein says, “Three times a day, focus on a single child for at least three minutes – and you can change your family.”