Want Clarity? Maybe You Should Begin with What You Don’t Want

If you want to create a life you love, then, darling one of the best things you can do for yourself is to get clear on what you want. And I’m the first to admit that sometimes, it’s hard to really figure that out.  Sure, sometimes clarity arrives with a flash of insight. Most of the time, though, there’s just a nagging feeling that something is missing.

Not having clarity around your desires can feel especially frustrating when you scroll through social media. Everyone you scroll past seems to have it all together, don’t they? And if you focus on that, you may feel overwhelmed and wonder what’s wrong with you. They all look so focused, yet you don’t know what kind of big goals you want to pursue. Heck, you may not even know what you want to do this weekend!

While I love the “shackles on, shackles off” process as a way to hone in on what you really want?

Sometimes, the quickest way to get real traction on your desires is to figure out what you don’t want.

Now, some folks will tell you that if you spend anytime focusing on what you don’t want will move you further away from clarity. Or worse: attract the wrong experiences into your life. But the truth of the matter is that I finally began to love my life. Truly fall in love with myself and my life when I I got honest with myself about what I didn’t want in my life.

If that feels like a challenging place to begin, you aren’t alone. One of the years of biggest change for me was 2010. And the power of clarity shines brighter each time I revisit what I don’t want in my life.

Want to see how I channeled “what I don’t want” as a path to clarity?

This is what my list looked like in 2009:

• • I didn’t want to be in a passionless, sexless relationship. Been there, done that.
  • But no matter how good the sex was, I would no longer waste my time on men who didn’t value me.
  • When in came to love and a committed relationship? I didn’t want a partner that saw me as an adversary rather than being on the same team.
  • I loved my work. But I didn’t love living 300 days a year out of suitcase.
  • Sometimes, I was so busy I couldn’t think, let alone feel.
  • When I got really honest with myself, I admitted I no longer wanted to live in constant reaction mode.
  • No matter how much I loved great dining experiences, I didn’t want to eat out all the time.

If you examine my list, it may seem logical that no one would want those things. Yet, I never had the clarity to realize that accepting those things as normal was keeping me from loving my life.

If you’re ready to gain clarity. And are so very done with not moving forward on any real goals?

Then, darling, get a pen and paper out begin making a list of what you don’t want.

• • What areas of your life make you constantly stressed? By big areas I mean work, your family, and your social life.
  • Be willing to examine smaller areas of your life, too.
  • Are there relationships in your life that feel like energy drains?
  • What do you accept as “normal” that logically you know makes you unhappy? Or makes life feel harder?
  • Where do you get in the way of your own path to happiness?
  • What seemingly small things are you tolerating?
  • Are there things you wish you didn’t have to do?
  • Even when you remind yourself that you have a choice, what constantly feels like an obligation?
  • Do you distract yourself from gaining clarity by numbing with food, alcohol, or being busy?

Darling, you deserve to life a life that feels loving and nourishing. And in order to create that, you need clarity so you can pursue your desires. Those small desires and yes, those deeper desires, too. Be willing to examine what you don’t want. Because, sometimes, the path to what you deeply desire is blocked by those seemingly small things that are in the way.

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